Horses and horseplay on The Bachelorette

Posted at 1:15 PM, Jul 12, 2016
and last updated 2016-07-12 15:22:05-04

I’ve finally gotten to that point in this season of The Bachelorette when I actually know who all of the guys are. By the end of Monday night’s episode, we were down to four men, meaning hometown date are next week.

Yes, it’s taken me this long to keep them all straight. In my defense, a lot of them have really similar hairstyles.

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The episode began with a one-on-one date with Alex, the aggressive, vertically challenged Marine who seemed to be in the middle of every fight and argument this season. The two went to a ranch and learned how to be gauchos, and there was some super awkward footage of them cuddling with horses.

JoJo apparently was more interested in snuggling with equines than with Alex, because she sent him home after he told her he loved her. (As a refresher, this was their first and only one-on-one date. Oh, this show).

She was distraught.

“I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know what I’m doing,” she wailed to the cameras, saying she should have let him go before his declaration of love.

Jordan got the next one-on-one, where he and JoJo went to a winery and frolicked in a hot tub, much to the amusement of my husband.

“Who puts a hot tub in a winery?” he asked me. “I bet they put that there just for the show.”

(You think, babe?)

Later, Jordan and JoJo talked about whom she would meet on a hometown date. Everyone in his family, minus his famous brother, Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

The two don’t really talk, said Jordan, adding he wasn’t even sure Aaron knew he was doing The Bachelorette.

“Me and Aaron don’t have that much of a relationship. It’s just kind of the way he chose to do life and I chose to stay close with my family and my parents and my brother,” Jordan said.

Bet airing your differences on national TV will really help that relationship. Classy.

JoJo then went on a group date with James Taylor, Robby and Chase. The weather was bad in Argentina (and yes, it feels like they've spent most of the season there), so they hung out in a hotel room and played games. James Taylor attempted to impress JoJo by sticking 22 French fries in his mouth at once, then took shots at Robby for his alleged wandering eye. Later on, Robby stripped down to his underwear. It was all very mature.

The final one-on-one date of the night was with Luke, and it also involved horses. Honestly, I feel like horses are starting to outnumber hot tubs on this show. What am I even watching anymore?

JoJo nixed the cocktail party, saying she’d already made her decision, and it was straight to the rose ceremony. She handed roses to Jordan, Luke, Chase and Robby, and sent James Taylor home to Texas.

His departure pretty much proves it’s never wise to trash talk your competitors to the lead on this show. Also, cramming all those fries into your mouth is just not sexy.  

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